Hidden under a Smile
by No.13
Summary: Just what is behind that mask? Kurogane finally finds his answers as their journey draws to a close...
1. Chapter 1

**Hidden under a Smile**

* * *

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine 

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy!

* * *

**I. Of eyes, magic and a conclusion**

"A price once paid can not be given back."

Those were the words sealing more than one fate. Or so they all had thought. Declaring them unimportant would equal sacrilege, would name all efforts, struggles, name their journey void of meaning.

Oh, they'd all been had.

* * *

Sakura had been glowing with happiness, while Syaoran had been unable to believe his luck. A lot of tears had been shed, tears of happiness and all had been alright.

* * *

Only Fei Wang Reed, watching from afar had thrown his wineglass down in anger.

He'd known that that magician's capabilities were somewhere off-chart and per-se quite extraordinary. He'd also known that the man was quick-minded, calculating and ruthless behind the fool's mask. He'd even watched the King's entombment.

But somehow he'd failed to put the parts together before it had been too late.

His dream had been destroyed. A life's work, shattered into pieces by a random player.

* * *

In the end, they'd all underestimated him, or so Yuuko concluded with a frown. It all was as unexpected as unsettling, yet she had a notion, that, perhaps, it wasn't all that bad.

Perhaps Hitsuzen had been tricked.

But not necessarily for the worse.

* * *

Kurogane hadn't known, not until it was too late. He'd seen the sadness in Tomoyo's eyes, but failed to reach the conclusion in time.

Denial had been too easy with the carefree smile on Fai's face. In the end those smiles had been heart-wrenching, dazzling and real.

And Kurogane was left crying under a red sunset.

* * *

Perhaps he should have known. After all there had been more than enough clues on their journey from the first moment on. That fateful day in the rain – so long ago, yet so present in his thoughts. He could remember the despair in Syaoran's eyes, but failed to note how both, the witch and the wizard had looked at the boy.

He hadn't wanted to become involved, back then. But he couldn't keep from growing attached after they failed to return Nihon and this crazy little group was all he had left. And, reluctantly, he had been drawn into the kid's quest, too.

The princess' brightening smiles, the brats growing strength – watching them change, watching them struggle forward strung chords deep inside him. He found himself fighting their battles, protecting them from dangers…

He might have kept telling himself that this was only because they were his return ticket, but couldn't even remember exactly, when that voice had fallen silent.

Their magicican had been another affair. From that first moment in the rain, Kurogane had been curious. What was the man running from, why was he refusing to use his magic?

Time had revealed little, the name Ashura and no uncertain hints of some devastating events, but no explanation was given and Kurogane grew annoyed. It wasn't even the teasing – he grew accustomed to that early on, it was more the mage's entire demeanour. The way he just drifted along, aimless and passively, like a marionette with its strings cut had Kurogane seething with barely suppressed rage.

The razor-sharp intelligence, battlefield routine and a seldom seen lack of morals provided ample contrast, enough to have the ninja prod and prowl, fishing for an answer the magician refused to give.

Still, he was a member of their little dysfunctional family and as thus, Kurogane saved his life more than once. Fai never seemed capable of saving his own life – though saving others' didn't trouble him in the slightest.

And then they'd landed in Tokyo.

* * *

Loss of an eye equals powers cut into half. 

That seemed to be some sort of a cross-dimensional metaphysical law concerning magicians and their capacities. At least, those had been the clone's words and Kurogane had heard them reiterated in different fashions from several people, a Tomoyo-doppelganger amid them, but also by Yuuko and Seishiro.

He'd been somewhat curious concerning Seishiro – the guy had lost one eye and seemingly retained all his powers. Fai had – already in Outo Country – come up with an explanation. One, however, that all those non-magically-gifted (meaning Syaoran and himself, which had made the entire explanation somewhat useless) had failed to comprehend. Their wizard had said Seishiro's powers were connected to his wish, which, as it had turned out, had been connected to a guy called Subaru and some rather confusing vampire business.

Kurogane, at that point of time, had point-blank ignored all of those half-baked explanations, which included far too much of hitsuzen and wizardry for his taste. And he'd been sufficiently distracted by the battle of the Syaorans.

In all honesty Kurogane had too admit that he'd been confused and scared out of his mind. For the first time in his life he'd held a sword and hadn't known whom to fight against.

Well, and then he'd seen the symbol on the newcomer's shirt.

He clearly remembered the emblem on the sleeve holding the sword which had killed his mother. Like all those years ago he'd been paralysed, felt panic welling up in his chest. And beneath it, hidden in the abyss of his heart, familiar madness.

That had been the first time he'd felt it again.

And he hadn't dared to move, sensing a darkness he'd believed banished forever arise once more. So he'd sat, clutching Fai's motionless body to himself like an oversized rag-doll. Closeness, at that moment hadn't been for protection, it's been for his own sake. For something to hold onto, something stable amid all the madness.

His sanity latched onto this last, fragile thread. The sensation of a light weight draped across his lap was all that bound him to reality, the soft falling and rising of Fai's chest the only affirmation that, yes, this was real, this was actually happening, not some hallucination.

But those breaths had been so shallow. Full of hitches and chokes, with tears of blood rolling down ghostly-pale cheeks. The body beneath his hand barely felt solid, far too frail and thin – but it gave Kurogane something to hold onto. Something to focus on, something to go by.

To protect.

In the aftermath he'd reached an astonishing conclusion about himself in that moment. His world wasn't defined by good and evil, by enemies and associates, but by protection. From the moment he'd lost his parents to serving the princess – he'd always had a reason for wielding his blade, he'd never decided by morals.

And in the depth of this devastated world Kurogane found he had to protect the wizard, because else all would be lost. The princess spirited away, two strange Syaoran's facing off against each other.

One bearing Fai's missing eye, the other the emblem of a cross-dimensional murderer – Kurogane dimly wondered, where they'd go from here and if it was even possible to go on, but those were not his decisions. He had to protect the magician's life, probably also the princess' and the kid's. Though, none of both doppelgangers even remotely incited a spark of protective spirit within the ninja.

He would have joined the fray for slicing both into pieces – but a shaking hand on his arm stopped him.

"Syaoran's …. a clone.", Fai had whispered, one eye glazed by pain gazing up at him. And even then, a soft, shadowed smile played on the blood-splattered face.

Kurogane hadn't believed him then, hadn't believed it until the entire explanation had been brought to light sometime later.

"The new one's … the real one."

Kurogane had frowned, felt rage rearing its ugly head. The one bearing the emblem of his mother's murderer – real? Had perhaps… He tried to banish those unsettling thoughts, tried to force them out of his head. But the smell of blood in the air was heavy, thick and clouding his senses.

His hand tightened, fingers clenching as memories assaulted him anew, trying to server the thin thread tying him to reality. Madness was by now smirking smugly, as if to say: it's only a matter of time.

The wild instinct to run amok, to simply cut and slice at everything moving and breathing gained strength, gained presence, attempted to offer a comfortable way out of the insanity. A defence against this unstable environment.

Again, cold, smooth skin touching his cheek softly had him flinch in surprise. Red eyes opened wide, starred at their solem deep-blue counterpart. This was costing Fai dearly, already now his entire arm was shaking and the skin white, glistening with sweat.

Still, the wizard somehow knew what Kurogane needed.

And gave it, gave it and made Kurogane's heart clench painfully. Gave it, even though he didn't possess the strength this act required, even though he shouldn't have known…

"It wasn't him. … Back then…"

Another heart-wrenching, dazzling smile.

"Syaoran-kun didn't kill your mother."

Kurogane failed to wonder how Fai could have known.

And right then, Kurogane only to happily accepted Fai's words. The wizard had offered him something to cling onto and Kurogane had taken the outstretched hand. Because, in spite of all his physical strength, Kurogane was no natural leader. If he had nothing to protect, no indicator to go by, he was lost, paralysed by his inability to decide. He'd never known how to separate good from evil; had honestly not dared to approached the matter, fearing for his own mental stability.

Fai on the other hand for all his passivity knew how to judge, quick and precise. And between them they'd managed even this disaster. Stayed on the sidelines, together with those other guys (one of them had been munching a strange, white-yellowish substance), watched until one Syaoran triumphed over another. Somewhere Kurogane had been glad to see the blue-eyed one crumpled to the ground at last. Perhaps the wizard had had a hand in it, as Syaoran couldn't get his newly acquired magical eye to work properly. Sparks had been flying, runes dancing, but no harm done.

Though, even with the knowledge, Kurogane didn't feel like cheering for the newcomer.

And the body in Kurogane's arms was shivering by the time the boys were finished. A last swirl of magic and the clone's body disappeared entirely. Not that Kurogane felt sorry; the detachment, those dismatched eyes had been scary.

Even though the remaining one hadn't looked any saner.

* * *

"So the clone failed." 

Strong fingers drummed on dark wood, displeasure visible on those features. Still, Fei Wand wasn't exactly angry. More annoyed, because after all, hitsuzen couldn't be avoided and his plans had yet to be thwarted.

"Well, let them collect those feathers. Let them travel the world and find them all and then we'll see how much good it does for their little princess."

* * *

Kurogane had steeled himself when this one started marching into his direction. The emblem on his chest seemed to mock him and Syaoran wouldn't meet his eyes. This still wasn't the kid he had tutored and protected. Perhaps not as ruthless as his counterpart, yet too dangerous. 

And for one reason or another, real Syaoran was headed straight for Fai.

Kurogane had barely time to register his intent, before something slammed into his side, catapulting him out of the way. Shock soared through his body and when his feet found ground again, he whirled around. Beheld a scene that had his heart fail for a split second.

Syaoran in front of Fai, hand outstretched….

Images overlapped each other within his head, thoughts of failure rushed in, despair and madness surged upwards. A red haze at the edge's of this vision…

But no harm was done, instead a glowing ball floated lazily into the air, hovered between the wizard and the kid, before …

Here Kurogane did a doubletake.

… being soaked up by the kid's left eye.

Another smile, then the wizard collapsed forward and the kid staggered. Disorientation was plain on his face when he looked up – but to Kurogane's astonishment this was not some stranger within Syaoran's body. This was the Syaoran he'd met at the witch's place, the same kid he'd accompanied on this mad journey.

Syaoran, who stared in pure horror at Fai's unmoving body.

"Fai-san!"

* * *

Later Kurogane had learned that Syaoran remembered nothing beyond an underwater fight against Kamui. He'd passed out, due to blood loss and came to somewhere completely else. 

Sakura had come out of the organic globe hovering in the middle of the tank, completely unharmed and – calming Kurogane's frayed nerves immensely – breathing. She, like Syaoran, had no idea what had transpired.

And since Kurogane despised talking, Fai had taken care of the explanations – barely conscious, telling the kids that yes, there'd been a battle, where a stranger had been trying to control Syaoran. That'd been the reason for those blackouts and strange sights the boy had had previously. But now all had been settled, there was no reason to worry.

Not a word concerning bloodshed, clones or eye-eating.

"Would you have told them?" ,Fai asked Kurogane after the kids had gone to sleep; sitting upright and looking very pale and fragile on the huge bed with bandages wrapped tightly around his torso and head.

But those two blue eyes had regained their former sparkle.

* * *

"The moment the clone was destroyed, he dissolved.", Yuuko said gravely, gazing upon images displaying on the water's smooth surface, "The clone was nothing more than a container and what he contained at that moment had to go somewhere. Real Syaoran received the heart and the memories, Fai his magic and eye… but I wonder where Clow's magic went. After all, without one of Clow's more powerful items Fei Wang couldn't have brought "Syaoran" alive."

* * *

Kurogane didn't like lying. Still, he couldn't bring himself to tell Syaoran or Sakura the truth. Seeing both struggle onward, determined, their souls free of the darkness he himself and the magician carried with them – it was something worth protecting. 

Fai had made this decision first.

Though it had perhaps doubled the strain on the wizard's façade.

And the mask started falling apart.

* * *

Hope you had fun reading it. - 

Next chapter is called: "Nothing to go back to"


	2. Chapter 2

**Hidden under a Smile**

* * *

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine 

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy! -

* * *

**II. Nothing to go back to**

"Nothing is eternal, peace will only last until change occurs.", Tomoyo spoke, smiling softly at the worried face of Souma, "We cannot wish to avoid change, because we'd condemn ourselves then."

Dark eyes swept over the blood that hadn't yet been cleaned away. Another assassination attempt, barely stopped this time. Souma had voiced an idea of moving Tomoyo into another fortress, one better protected as political trouble with neighbouring countries was brewing.

"We wouldn't want to do that, would we?"

Souma shook her head, marvelling at her princess' ability to stay calm on one hand. On the other, she was fuming at the open disregard for her personal safety.

"I do understand that from an individual's point of view, this is quite unfair. Change, while often resulting in progress and something good for everybody, is prone to destroy lives on the way and devastate countries.

Right now, the relationship to our neighbours is undergoing change. We could avoid trouble by trying to suppress the change – though I fear the consequences might be disastrous. Thus, my decision is to stand strong and hold onto my beliefs.

Whatever shall happen then is up to hitsuzen."

* * *

It was a slow process, barely perceivable. How Fai began using his magic frequently. Blue runes dancing through the air, protecting them from one blast here, another fatal shot there. Repelling attackers, defying gravity – but Kurogane didn't like it. 

Even though the wizard kept smiling the spells grew stronger each time. He was coming apart at the seams and his magic started reeking of death and destruction.

And in the morning, when Kurogane woke up, there were traces of tears on Fai's face.

* * *

Somewhere, glass broke, shards violently catapulted into the air. Glittered blue within a frozen, silent castle, where no trace of life had been left behind. 

A tall graceful man arose from a deep watery pool, sharp golden eyes beheld death and destruction, conserved by icy cold and not a muscle moved in his face.

* * *

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" 

"Sakura-hime!"

"Watch out!"

"Syaoran-kun! Syaoran-kun, are you okay?"

"Hyuu! Cool, Kuro-tan."

"SHUT UP!"

"GRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

"Kurogane-san!"

Flapping, black wings, raging winds, shaking ground and screams in the air. Mountain peaks under a stormy sky, filled with gigantic, angry dragons.

Rightfully angry dragons, because they intended to steal their feather.

Though, those were no usual creatures, Kurogane knew. They seemed to predict his moves, evade his blade and attacked Syaoran's weak side. Sakura had only lift her head over the boulder she was hiding behind to have an enormous monster take a dive for her head.

And they were filling the sky. Dragons, all over the horizon, blocking their path up to the feather's resting place.

It had been too easy, when Mokona declared that the feather was on the mountain top and, no, no magical traps between them and their goal this time.

Well, even Mokona hadn't known about the dragons.

Too many dragons, too many. Kurogane had to admit, sweat pouring down his back, soaking his black shirt until it was practically glued to his skin. And standing on a small rock outcropping that shook badly beneath his feet didn't help any. Boulders kept raining down, preceding what might turn into a rock slide. The mountain's foundations trembled with force and there was blood trailing down Syaoran's left arm.

Saying they were in a pinch would be putting it lightly.

"Enough." ,Fai said and left his hiding place, even though Sakura tried to hold him back. A gentle smile on his face and he removed her fingers from his coat.

"There are too many dragons for Kuro-pun and Syaoran-kun right now. I'll help them a bit."

"I know!" ,Sakura pleaded desperately, "But, Fai-san, is magic necessary?"

Kurogane heard those words and frowned, even though he had to pay attention to his battle. A slash here, dodge claws there, watch your footing, always watch your footing, because you don't want to tumble down into some groundless abyss.

"Sakura-chan?"

"You always look so tired, afterwards, Fai-san. It's as if doing magic makes you ill and I don't want that!"

"Oh, don't worry, Sakura-chan."

The wizard reached out, petted her head and – mysteriously – Sakura fell asleep at once. Even Syaoran glared at their magician, then, though Fai, still smiling, had stepped up to the edge of the cliff.

Raised a hand, index finger pointed straight ahead.

The dragons stopped their attacks, tensing. Something happened in the air, Kurogane felt it. Deep and powerful and then Fai had swiped his hand across the horizon in one smooth movement.

A series of explosions coloured the sky red, had it raining blood on the landscape underneath and when the smoke cleared, no dragon was left.

* * *

Kurogane had a hard time controlling himself until evening came and the kids went to sleep. Seething, he slammed the bedroom door behind himself, seeing, with a jolt of satisfaction, how Fai flinched at the sound. 

Like Sakura predicted, the magician spend the rest of the day following them around, silently, smiling his silly smile that was so obviously fake, that Kurogane really wanted to give him a good shake and watch it falter. For the kids' sake he reigned himself – there was no need for them to witness him loosing his temper.

With four wide steps he crossed the room, stopping short in front of the wizard. Wearily, Fai lifted his head, but didn't even tense up. Sitting hunched over on the bed, far too pale and with visible fatigue shining in his eyes, he said:

"I wouldn't have done it if there had been another choice, Kuro-bun."

And while this was quite direct and open as far as the magician was concerned, he still kept missing Kurogane's real questions.

"I know.", replied the ninja. He wouldn't say it had been overkill, he wouldn't question, why the wizard killed each and every of the dragons.

And this caught Fai off guard. Words started spilling out.

"I… I didn't want to… ever again… do something that terrible."

Blue eyes stared into the far, into a distant memory. Kurogane could only guess at what horror Fai was remembering, and, if he concentrated, he could see those invisible bloodstains covering delicate, trembling hands.

"I understand that, too." ,Kurogane said calmly, as if his annoyance had evaporated, "But."

While truly, it hadn't.

"Why don't you say so? Why do you keep on smiling, playing the clown and pretend that everything is alright? Nobody believes that anymore and how could they? This isn't … isn't sane anymore!"

"Ah, but Kuro-kun…" ,a tired smile on his lips, though this time Kurogane interrupted before the mage could create a diversion.

"No!", he roared, grabbing the wizard by his upper arms and pulling him forward. "You'll listen to me and then you'll give a decent answer for once!"

He almost missed the fact, that the bedside lamp levitated over the ground and chairs rattled. Turning back Kurogane caught a fleeting glimpse of true fear in wide blue eyes, before the lamp tumbled to the ground again.

But that moment had been enough.

The jackpot was his.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Smiling like an idiot, even now – I don't know who you think you're fooling or what that's good for. Hell, masking your emotions, I understand – but what you're doing is just insane and pointless. And it's worrying the kids too."

Fai shrugged uncomfortably in Kurogane's grasp, but the ninja kept his hands clenched around thin arms.

"Kuro-run, my arms…"

"NO!" Fai flinched backwards, the lamp shattered and Kurogane grinned a grin full of sharp, white teeth, "Answers first, demands second."

And Fai let his head fall forward, slumping until only Kurogane held him upright.

"Well, you saw it just now."

"What kind of an answer is that supposed to be?"

"My, Kuro-ku, the answer to your question of course."

"Stop avoiding the topic! Even Sakura-chan has noticed, so you'll have to explain yourself sooner rather than later."

"So she has, eh?" Contemplative silence and then Fai finally complied. "My magic is deeply connected to my emotions..."

That explained the lamp's fate.

"… so I've got to be careful how to react. … Things get destroyed, people killed, whenever I'm upset or angry. Perhaps I…"

Fai looked like he'd rather swallow his tongue than complete his sentence, but Kurogane wouldn't have it.

"Perhaps you?"

A heart-felt sight. "Do you know that I was an orphan, Kuro-chan, before I came to the palace? I don't know what happened to my parents, but sometimes I wonder… wonder if perhaps I killed them with my magic because I got angry about some unimportant thing."

Red eyes widened.

"My magic is a pretty volatile thing, Kuro-pon. I can remember killing some other children and adults when I was five – I had no clue what was happening back then. Only that people were screaming at me, pointing and I wanted them go away."

He trailed off, a bitter smile dancing across his face, before he resumed his sad tale.

"Those went away, of course. Those and many others, but there were just too many and I didn't like what was happening, couldn't understand why ten people would drop down dead the moment I let fear overtake me.

Prince Ashura was the only one who managed to stand up to this magic and he also explained to me what had happened. Taught me how to control my emotions, how to control my magic. Appointed me royal magician and had the tattoo designed, because my magic was still difficult to control."

"You gave up that tattoo."

"Yes."

"And you're still using your magic?"

Another smile. "I didn't want to, Kuro-pi, I would never have, if we had another choice. That's why those poor dragons died today."

"But we remained unharmed."

"It's a question of focus."

"Focus implies control. And as Sakura-chan noted, you're always looking pale after using your magic. Is that because you're using it or is it because you're trying to control it?"

"Control, Kuro-pu, control. It's quite difficult without the tattoo, so, yes, it's also very exhausting. That's why I keep smiling, have to keep smiling because I don't want anything to happen to you, Sakura-chan or Syaoran-kun… Does that answer all your questions?"

"… did you eat diner tonight?"

Completely bewildered, Fai shook his head. Kurogane stood wordlessly, obviously mulling something over in his head and walked over to the door. He had already crossed the threshold, when he turned around and said:

"Since all that smiling and controlling is that strenuous, I'll go and get you a snack."

* * *

"Are you certain?" 

Yuuko regarded her customer gravely, warily even. This one was powerful, this one could do harm if he wanted so. Magic was crackling just underneath her fingertips, ready to rise to her defence.

"Once there you can never go back."

The strange, beautiful man smiled coldly and nodded.

"There is nothing to go back to."

* * *

This night Kurogane woke to a pained gasp. Turning around, sword ready, he found no intruder but his roommate caught in the throws of a nightmare. Brows furrowed, eyes clenched shut and white as a sheet, Fai kept muttering incomprehensible words. Sweat was beading on his brow and once again Kurogane marvelled at the deceptive frailty. At this face worthy of a doll. 

And a doll was all Fai had been to them up to that point. A pretty, lifeless companion to abuse and use – he'd kept smiling, no matter what happened. He'd kept cheering them up, helping them out; always pretending there was nothing behind the smooth façade, nothing real.

It hat driven Kurogane up the wall – though now, he felt, he started to understand.

And he remembered clutching the broken body close, holding onto the wizard for the sake of his sanitiy. Fai had helped him then, so perhaps now it was Kurogane's turn.

Once again he hugged the slim body closely to himself, holding him astightly as possible and tried to convey whatever support he could give. He couldn't tell if Fai was sleeping or awake, but there were tears soaking into his shirt, and there was desperation in the way Fai's hung onto him.

Acting took its long-overdue toll and Kurogane didn't even feel disdain anymore. Instead there grew a small but firm resolution to stand by the magician's side and protect him, when he couldn't do it himself.

The next day, Ashura entered the picture.

* * *

Hope you had fun reading it. - 

Next chapter is called: "Why won't you kill me?"

P.S: Anybody knows where I stole the dragon-slaying-scene?


	3. Chapter 3

**Hidden under a Smile**

* * *

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy! -

* * *

**III. Why won't you kill me?**

"Another batch of assassins.", Souma reported, kneeling before her princess.

Tomoyo looked onto those bloodstains with saddened eyes, sighed. "I wish this senseless slaughter would stop."

Even though she felt bad for speaking those words, Souma answered: "I fear we are far away from peace. The only reason nobody declared war on us yet is because rumours concerning an uber-powerful magical item are flying."

"Ah, yes. It is what each of them wishes to possess, isn't it? It's the reason for all the assassins and the bloodshed… I hope its proprietor will come by soon."

* * *

King Ashura had been a sight to behold. Tall, graceful and bearing the same unnatural beauty as Fai. He seemed to glide over the ground, without losing an ounce of power or strength. Surroundings paled in comparison; this man drew all eyes to himself.

Princess Tomoyo could do this, too, Kurogane knew from experience. Yet, never before, he had encountered such a powerful aura. Filled with confidence, calmness, gliding forward without any respect for gravity. Strange jewellery glittered on his forehead, but those cold eyes gave nothing away. Not an emotion betrayed.

Gazing at Fai however, the poker-smile was firmly back in place. Expert players finally face-to-face. Neither willing to give anything away, both knowing what was to come.

And Kurogane saw that he was out of his depth.

"Ashura-Ou."

"Fai."

The world exploded.

* * *

Through a haze of thick smoke, Kurogane could barely make out two figures floating overhead, rubble, trees and rocks soaring through the air between them. Thunder rolled dangerously and the air smelled of burned flesh and blood.

No building left standing and the opponents hadn't yet even managed to scratch each other. He heard their voices, tempers heightened, yelling at each other. Filled with betrayal, emotions to strong to contain any longer, all burst out.

"Why did you betray me? This could have saved us!"

"At what price?" ,there was desolation in Fai's voice. Bitter, bitter desolation. "Saving our lives by killing others?"

"Nobody would have noticed! It was the perfect world! Full of war and monsters – they wouldn't even have noticed a difference!"

"They would have!"

"Of no consequence! Few there possess such spiritual power like that woman – we could have done away with them like we did with her! You saw how that child reacted! Went downright mad – and nobody would ever believe a tale about cross-dimensional energy transfers!"

Kurogane couldn't believe his ears. Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to… draw the conclusion.

"Nobody? You saw their princess, Ashura-ou, and you knew as well as I did, that she'd have believed everything!"

"And you know that her life-energy alone could have sustained Celes for a decade!"

Blood sung in his ears. Madness waved a flag from its new home in the centre of his brain.

"It wouldn't have been right!"

"Yes! Not right! And abandoning your kingdom, condemning them to die is right? I don't understand you, Fai. I thought I did, before, I honestly thought I did. You always had been so nice and caring, couldn't abide death or harming a soul. And – what happened – all of a sudden, you can kill an entire world without blinking? What happened, Fai, what did happen to you? Why did you abandon me? Why? I only want an explanation, I know it's too late now. We can't go back and change the future, but … please, I want to understand. Because I always, I always did l—"

Hands clasped over his ears, Fai dropped to his knees and screamed.

* * *

Kurogane came to, hours later, waking to the worried faces of Syaoran and Sakura. The magician was nowhere to be seen, neither was any other living being besides the five of them. They'd found Kurogane buried beneath some rubble, as everything around them had been levelled in one fateful blast. As far as the eye could see, nothing remained standing, nor was there anybody left alive.

Yes, they'd found Ashura's body, too. Dead – and lacking any defensive marks to show for it.

And Fai?

Their magician was alive, somewhat worse for wear and had spent most of the day sleeping. When he'd first woken up he'd been mumbling something about a king and given Sakura obviously quite the scare because that was the only reason why she'd be at Kurogane's bedside instead of the magicians.

Who had…

… _his mother, dead, a dimensional gap, a foreign sword and the smell of magic. A kingdom collecting life energy, in Nihon, because nobody would notice. Because who'd believe this mad tale of a little boy with those frightening red eyes? Because they were more powerful, held the knowledge and had nothing to loose. They'd wanted to kill the princess, too, after they'd already killed his mother…_

_How long had he known?_

_Had Fai known who he was from that first moment on?_

_Had he known and not said a thing?_

Madness waved cheerily as Kurogane's blood boiled up. Without another word he stood up and stomped upstairs. Blew the door out of its hinges.

He'd found the magician.

Heart pounding loudly, blood rushing into his head and slowly, slowly a red haze descended.

He forcefully stepped towards the magician, drawing himself to his full height. Fai – sensing something was off, backed away, until he hit the wall.

"Kuro…?", he asked warily. Even the smile had almost vanished, blue eyes regarding him warily.

He said nothing but grabbed the wizard's thin shoulder hard enough to hear the bones grinding. Rage filled his mind to the brim, controlled his motion. Before his eyes he saw them all die over and over again, his father, his mother and all the others.

Because…

Something snapped and he tossed Fai away, sending him violently tumbling onto the wooden floor. A moment he watched how the thin, shivering figure started drawing himself up again, met wide blue eyes – and felt absolutely nothing.

This betrayal had invoked emotions beyond hate.

Swiftly, he knelt down and pushed Fai onto his back. For the first time, there was a hint of fear in those eyes, though by now he was no longer concerned by the magician's reaction. Another practiced move had him kneeling on Fai's hands, pinning the wizard helplessly to the floor.

And when his hand wrapped themselves around the thin neck, Fai closed his eyes in silent resignation.

No magic was employed, no struggle took place – this neither unexpected, nor undeserved. There was even a slight smile on lips, which slowly turned blue.

Not a fake one, Kurogane realized. A real, warm, understanding smile. The one that had once taken his breath away as he'd seen it for the first time and weakened his determination to hate the magician. Because this smile was proof that beneath all those lies and masks there existed something worth saving.

There was still a real person.

And the red haze dissolved.

Kurogane couldn't move at first, when he realized just what he had been doing. It hit him like a ton of bricks, obstructing his chest, striking where it hurt most. He couldn't breath, heart skipping more than one beat before he carefully removed his fingers from the magician's neck.

There were bruises, dark purple and blue; large bruises left by deft, forceful fingers. Numbed by shock the ninja sat back, quietly removing himself from the wizard, but unable to tear his gaze away. Mesmerized by the frail, still form on the floor – it seemed so surreal, the way those blond locks spilled across wooden floorboards, the way Fai didn't appear to be moving.

Sucking a deep, shuddering breath himself Kurogane tried desperately to gather his senses, to banish the raging madness into the depth of his mind. Scared of himself and what he might do, he retreated until his back hit the door.

How, why, what? His mind was in uproar, crumbling, tumbling, collapsing into fearsome confusion. He couldn't remember feeling like this ever before, couldn't remember feeling like a monster though he'd been called that already a long time ago.

Perhaps they had been right…

And now, somebody else had paid the price. He'd attacked Fai on the notion that he somehow had been involved within his parents' death; hadn't even given the wizard a chance to explain himself. All he'd had were Ashura's words, and looking back now, Fai had been protesting all along.

Instead for the guilty parties his rage had settled onto the next best target.

And Fai had silently accepted it all, not even tried to defend himself. Only that short moment of incomprehension within those blue eyes, before fatigue and sadness darkened them, shutting out all other emotions.

Steeling himself, Kurogane stepped forward, reminding himself to face the consequences. If he had killed the magician – the notion send shudders up and down his spine, had his vision blurring and heart racing – he would have to commit suicide.

Though, perhaps that still was too honourable a way to go.

And he owed an explanation to both, Sakura and Syaoran, no matter how much he wished to avoid it. But after what had happened…

Coughing interrupted his thoughts.

Faster than lightening Kurogane was down at Fai's side, carefully gathering him into his arms. The magician gasped, body shivering, but colour did return to the paper-white skin, even though his lips were still blue.

Wild hope had Kurogane hang onto every shudder, silently praying for the wizard's health and this time the gods had mercy on him. Nobody died at his hand tonight, instead the breathing evened out and Fai's eyes fluttered open.

Made Kurogane hold his breath, when fathomless blue settled onto him, sparkling with unshed tears and a heart-wrenching smile formed on Fai's face.

"Why?", he breezed, voice hoarse and barely louder than the rustling leaves outside, "Why didn't you…?"

* * *

Yuuko, gazing at her watery mirror, breathed a sigh of relief. It had been close tonight, too close – she'd come to doubt what should have been unshakable. But nothing had occurred, the game was still on and running its preordained course.

* * *

There were a lot of explanations required and this time Fai gave them, speaking softly and slowly while Kurogane sat at his bedside. The ninja was still shaken and would continue to be for several days. He was trying to make up as best as possible, had even offered to put off any explanations until the wizard had rested.

But Fai, with his trademark smile, had denied the offer and started talking.

Ashura was neither mad nor evil, he said, drawing a disbelieving stare from Kurogane, he was a good King that cared more for his country than for his personal welfare. He'd been prepared to sacrifice everything he possessed, even his life if it could have saved their land.

Celes had always been cold, very cold, but manageable. Summers were short but provided enough for the long, frozen season – though someday, summer stopped coming. The sun had risen, yet the ice never thawed. It was as if warmth had been banished from their world – as neighbouring kingdoms faced the same problem.

Celes, possessing unrivalled magical capacities, managed to survive longer than many others, but providing for their citizens grew more difficult. Even the most powerful magic couldn't manage to warm enough land to grow sufficient amounts of nourishment.

And neighbouring countries had started attacking, viciously, killing everyone in sight. They'd nothing to lose and everything to gain, because they knew of the magic and that a very few might survive for it.

There'd been kidnappings left and right, Celes lost many mages and Ashura grew overly worried for Fai's safety. All of a sudden he found himself the most protected item in the entire kingdom, unable to leave the palace without a small army to accompany him. Still, in spite of the danger, he spend a lot of time outside, trying to heat fields and grow corn by magic, while Ashura stayed in the palace, reading hundred books in search of a solution.

Their problem had been magically induced, this was soon obvious. But who and how it had been done, nobody knew. Even Fai, the most powerful magician in Celes, couldn't detect the spell and soon was far too busy with trying to keep the citizens of Celes alive to concern himself with it.

And then, finally, they'd been offered a solution.

Fai hadn't trusted this Fei Wang person from the beginning on, had sensed something off when he first had glimpsed the wizened face through a watery mirror in Ashura's throne room. Inter-dimensional communication hadn't occurred in centuries, but Ashura had been too grateful to ponder on this.

There was something Fei Wang had wanted in exchange, something, that Celes had in abundance. The man had some sort of a project running and for that he needed spells creating artificial life. And Fei Wang had hung onto every word Fai has spoken with growing unease. He couldn't see any danger within those spells – Chii had been their utmost achievement – but the glow in Fei Wang's eyes hadn't been reassuring.

Kurogane raised an eyebrow, as Fai descended into thoughtful silence. There was something left unsaid, but right now he wouldn't pressure the wizard, even though the bitter smile made him wonder what the man was thinking about.

And due to his help, Syaoran's clone had come to be, Fai added, thoroughly malicious.

That alone left Kurogane to reconsider hitsuzen, to contemplate if they had any chance of escaping what had been laid out for them somewhere. He didn't like the thought of being somebody's puppet, but as Fai, Yuuko and Tomoyo agreed, there was no escaping hitsuzen.

He came to detest that word.

Well, continued the wizard, afterwards Fei Wang had explained them how a human's life energy could be used to heat huge fields for a long time, without requiring exhausting magic. Fai had been glad in the beginning, because all the spell casting had started wearing him out. More than once he'd simply fainted outside and the lack of proper food wasn't helping his health any.

Then they'd learned that to gather this life energy they had to kill.

Fei Wang had offered them the perfect solution, a cross dimensional gate reaching to some remote world, filled with monsters and magic, a land in constant uproar, where the death of a few people wouldn't be noticed.

After all, life energy was powerful, so they didn't need too much for stabilizing and granting the survival of Celes.

This country, Fai said with a self-depreciating smile, had been called Nihon.

Kurogane could only press his lips together and close his eyes, while grief mixed with rage filled his soul. It hurt, beyond everything else. This knowledge left him confused and bitter, with no other choice than to marvel at the cruelties of fate.

Suddenly, he understood Fai a tad bit better. The bitterness behind that mask, the wish to die – Kurogane didn't know what he would have done in the wizard's place.

Save your country by killing strangers from another dimension.

King Ashura had indeed been a good king, willing to bloody his own hands for the continued survival of his people. Kurogane himself wondered, if he wouldn't have made the same decision. He'd never cared for the lives of strangers, even if he'd disapproved of senseless killing.

Killing to protect, killing to save, however had been his life's work.

And another with the same philosophy had killed his mother.

This was all wrong, all too twisted and cruel, it made Kurogane question himself too deeply, it made him wonder about all those lives he'd taken in order to protect. And when he eventually dared to meet Fai's eyes he found them lacking every spark they ever possessed. A dry, humourless grin on his lips, he said:

"I am responsible for the death of an entire world, Kuro-pon."

And Kurogane wanted to cry.

The pain in those blue eyes was almost too much to bear, but coupled with the silent acceptance and the lack of tears, Kurogane's vision blurred. Because Fai wouldn't cry for himself.

What kind of strength had it needed, Kurogane wondered, watching Fai stared blankly ahead, how did you make a decision like that.

Princess Tomoyo, he came to realize, might have done the same. Because, for murdering innocents there was no justification, not in any dimension.

Still, Tomoyo wouldn't abandon her people to die. She'd have found another solution, wouldn't she?

She would have, Kurogane told himself but found no security in those words. Ashura and Fai had tried, too, and failed. And those two were more powerful than Tomoyo, those two knew more about magic then his hime did.

Shaken, Kurogane all of a sudden wrapped his arms around Fai, felt the slight frame stiffen at once but paid it no mind. His mind was whirling with the implications, with the idea of sheer hope- and helplessness. Had he known previously, he'd never looked down on the wizard, he'd never ever have blamed him for not living his life to the fullest.

How could he have, when he couldn't even comprehend where Fai had found the strength to go on after all that had happened. How the wizard could smile in spite of his burden.

"Why?", the soft voice whispered once more, tickling against Kurogane's ear, "Why won't you kill me, now, that you know what I've done?"

* * *

Thank you for reading ( and reviewing). Hope you enjoyed it. -

Next chapter is called: "The Last Feather"


	4. Chapter 4

**Hidden under a Smile**

* * *

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine 

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy! -

* * *

**IV. The Last Feather**

And then he'd suddenly been standing in front of Princess Tomoyo once more and the manju bun declared that only one feather was left. Tomoyo smiling happily, if not somewhat mysteriously, before dragging Sakura off to get her outfitted.

Syaoran had been left stuttering in the dust, bewildered, but he'd been less tense than at other times. Relief, that only one feather was left, perhaps also a bit wistful.

Kurogane astonished that their quest had come to a conclusion. No more dimension hopping, no more weird worlds, awkward moments or strange confrontations. He wouldn't exactly miss it – the thought of resettling into his former, comfortable life was tempting indeed – but it felt strange.

* * *

"There's a feather nearby." said Mokona a few days later, face scrunched in deep concentration. A pregnant pause had them all holding their breath, leaning forward. Then the white bun opened its eyes, uncommonly grave and serious. "The last one." 

And while Sakura squealed with delight and everyone sighed in relief, Syaoran couldn't help but feel a deep, old ache rising.

Tomoyo gave them a knowing smirk. "It has been awaiting its rightful owner for a long time."

* * *

"Finally." Fei Wang breathed, watching Sakura receive her last feather "Finally my plans can come into fruition."

* * *

"What is going to happen, now?" black Mokona questioned from its perch on Yuuko's shoulder. The dimension witch didn't look exactly happy, a deep frown etched on her face. 

Hitsuzen would be decided, now and then.

Either Fei Wang would achieve his goal and consequently unsettle the entire universe, or nothing would happen. Sakura would never remember Syaoran, both would return to Clow and resume their usual lifes…

There was something else, itching deep within her, but she couldn't quite grasp the idea. She had a feeling that somehow she missed an important part of the picture.

* * *

Both, Syaoran and Sakura cried that night, each on their own. 

Sakura, because she couldn't remember Syaoran, even though all feathers had been collected. But she still felt incomplete, as if a huge part of herself was missing, and it hurt beyond everything she had previously experienced.

Syaoran cried, because he couldn't help feeling he had failed. He'd damned Sakura to remain incomplete forever, to life with a gaping hole in her soul and there was nothing, anybody could do about it.

* * *

"It's cruel." Kurogane said to his silent companion. 

Fai's lips barely twitched. "It's Hitsuzen."

"I know." Kurogane replied "Still, it's bloody unfair. Look at them, they deserve happiness more than anybody else I know and what do they get?"

Darkness shadowed Fai's face. "I don't like Hitsuzen very much myself."

Leaning back, Kurogane muttered what should become fateful words: "I wonder, if Hitsuzen can't be altered… You know, if those two were doomed from the beginning or if … if fate can be altered."

"No, never altered…" Fai murmured, before descending into thoughtful silence. Kurogane entirely missed the strange determination settling across the wizard's features.

* * *

Tomoyo woke up in the middle of the night. Blue light was dancing, whirling around on of the castle's towers and she couldn't help but stare in wonder. Her own senses were prickling, awed by the incredible amount of power displayed, even though it filled her heart with dread.

* * *

"What?" muttered Yuuko, pulling herself upright, barely awake. A shudder went down her spine and her eyes flew up "What the hell!"

* * *

The next morning was a dreary affair. 

Time had come to say goodbye, Sakura and Syaoran prepared to return to Clow, but nobody found the right words. Kurogane watched silently, how the two avoided each other, wallowing in their respective misery. Nobody had addressed the issue of memories, but it hung heavily in the cold morning air, oppressing and suffocating.

Almost everbody had already said goodbye, when Fai entered the scene, pale like a sheet but grinning like an idiot.

"Jaa, Sakura-chan." The fool's smile firmly back in place, attention turned towards the princess.

"You wondered why you can't remember Syaoran-kun, even though all the feathers have been gathered, ne?"

Kurogane shuddered at the bluntness.

Both, Syaoran and Sakura nodded, confusion evident on their faces. A faint glimmer of hope in the princess' eyes, while Syaoran's betrayed bewilderment and a small amount of fear.

"What are you…?" Syaoran started, confused.

"Well, that'd be because Mokona-chan was mistaken. One feather does remain…"

Kurogane's eyes widened drastically, Syaoran gasped in shock and Sakura in delight. Caught by sheer disbelief, Syaoran started spluttering, almost blurted out that this_ wasn't possible_. Those memories were gone, taken as payment by that uber-powerful witch, there simply shouldn't have been a way.

Though Fai's smile suggested otherwise.

"Where is it?" asked Sakura, bouncing with happy anticipation, while Kurogane frowned in suspicion. Mulling it over – the weird storm last night, the magician's shaking hands – somehow the impossible had been realized.

"_A price once paid can not be returned."_

Or whatever the witch had said. Those hadn't been empty words. And judging by all else that went, they were true. Even princess Tomoyo held Yuuko's powers in highest esteem – so what the hell had that … that waif of a man done to undo the dimension witch's work?

Had he fooled them all?

"Ah, you needn't search for it." yes, this devious spark glittering in those blue eyes did indeed sing of suppressed mirth – they'd all been had; hitsuzen included.

"It's my goodbye present for you."

And without further words Fai opened his hand to reveal a softly glowing feather resting on his palm.

Frightened disbelief on Syaoran's face and even Kurogane felt uneasy. A set-up of this size wouldn't end here; too little was accounted for.

But there it was, a single, pink feather floating towards its rightful owner. Sakura squealed in happiness and all of a sudden the sun seemed to shine twice as bright.

* * *

Somewhere in another dimension, Fei Wang angrily tossed his wineglass to the floor, helplessly and full of outrage. Eyes fastened to the screen, glaring at the actors, glaring at that foolish magician that had dared to interfere. 

By all rights, he shouldn't have been capable to return those memories. Power like this – only Clow himself had held those gifts. And while Celes Royal Magician had been powerful on his own, he hadn't possessed any of Clow's abilities.

No, not the magician.

And it dawned on Fei Wang Reed how it all had become possible.

The magical item which had brought clone Syaoran "alive", the one that had previously belonged to Clow himself… It hadn't been there, when the clone dissolved, had never been seen again and Fei Wang had believed it forever lost.

Though, obviously, somebody had picked it up. Along with his second eye, Fai had gathered a piece of Clow's magic. And known exactly what use to put it to.

Ironical, how exactly the person he had considered the least danger for a complete lack of goals, had foiled all his intentions. Fai had always seemed to him like a man who was looking for a good opportunity to die, somebody, who didn't care much for living, yet didn't want to die without a reason at all.

For all his capabilities, his magic and mind, the royal magician of Celes lacked the spirit to actively step up and start pulling strings for his own sake. It was always for somebody else, thus, as long, as everybody in the wizard's vicinity behaved according to plan, nothing would happen.

Thus, he had thought. Held all the pieces in his hands but failed to come up with a picture.

Ashura-ou's broken doll had never seemed very dangerous at all.

* * *

It was quite a while later than originally planned, that Sakura and Syaoran left for home. There'd been a lot of tears cried from happiness, a lot of real laughter and a feeling of general contentment. The sun had risen high, banished the fog and the world around them had been perfect for a while. 

Tomoyo had been laughing, Sakura trembling with suppressed mirth, Syaoran had finally relaxed and joined the insanity. They'd been talking a lot, exchanging well-wishes, and so many unsaid words had burst out.

The impossible happy ending had become reality.

* * *

Yuuko watched the proceedings, though by now her frown had evened out. She'd clearly underestimated the magician, but even if she had been betrayed in some sort of way, she didn't really feel offended. 

It was more a matter of astonishment, that, yes, by some incredible trick, hitsuzen had been swayed and another future than expected had come to pass. With her memories complete Sakura was out of danger from Fei Wang, thus she herself too had one thing less to worry about.

Yet it felt strange. That fate could have been tricked – she'd never have believed it possible, hadn't she witnessed it with her own eyes.

Of course, this small success had come at a high price, yet…

She couldn't help smiling, glad for Sakura and Syaoran. Happy, because she experienced an odd sensation she hadn't felt in a long time.

Hope.

Hope, because the future wasn't yet decided.

* * *

Kurogane had been wondering why princess Tomoyo had seemed to be happy and sad at the same time when Fai revealed the feather. It was a strange expression, somewhat misplaced among the general happiness. 

Needless to say, it had him on the edge. Tomoyo never did anything without a reason and if she did look onto the scene with a quite profound sadness in those dark eyes, he needed to find out why. Though nothing obvious had come to his mind – the kid, the princess, and everybody else gathered, even the damned magician, they'd all been smiling and laughing for real that time.

Perhaps, because this all shouldn't have happened. Perhaps the magic performed had been some obscure, forbidden kind – as far as Kurogane knew Tomoyo was strict where dark magic was concerned.

Anyways, Fai had some explaining to do.

Kurogane turned around to find the wizard in front of a small pound, staring out at the lush greenery, blooming cherry trees and deep blue sky. Most people had by now retreated inside, the sun slowly gaining heat and the travellers gone.

The smile on the pale face was as honest as it was wistful and Kurogane only noticed, that Fai was swaying gently on his feet, blue eyes wide and somehow unfocused, before he fainted.

Holding the lithe body, Kurogane wondered how he had failed to notice the dark smudges underneath closed eyes, how the smooth was just a shade too pale, just a tad too cold. Laboured breathes and shaking hands, and nothing but thin, delicate bones to be felt underneath the voluminous robes.

"Oi!" Kurogane leaned forward, but Fai didn't even flinch, not even, when he slapped him.

The stillness scared him and Kurogane remembered Ashura, remembered tales of famine and eternal cold in Celes. A certain magician collapsing under the strain – Kurogane wondered, if Fai had been the same back then, too light, too white, too close to death.

Ashura must have felt similar to Kurogane, watching worriedly. He'd have to have known, back then, that the demand for magical warmth would kill his magician sooner rather than later.

While killing others might save him.

Yes, Kurogane reflected grimly, he'd probably have done the same as Ashura. Killed another, killed those, perhaps, who were indirectly trying to kill what he intended to protect. He'd never have chosen another world; no, if he'd been Ashura, he'd started with those neighbouring kingdoms turned battlefield opponents and attackers.

A rustling of robes brought him out of his contemplations and he saw Tomoyo hurrying towards them, followed by Souma and several others, two of whom Kurogane recognized as the royal physicians.

Though the remorseful gaze Tomoyo bestored on the scene indicated that their attendance was superfluous.

"I'm sorry." she said and there were tears glistening in her eyes "I'm sorry this has to happen."

Incredulous, Kurogane stared up at her, unwilling to believe what those whispered words are implying. He is left gaping like a fish, far too aware of the trembling body in his arms. There is honest fear in his red eyes, a silent plea to tell him, that, yes, everything is going to be alright.

Souma, unable to bear it, tore her gaze away, instead her eyes focused on a still, fine-boned hand resting on green grass and grief welled up in her heart.

This cannot be undone, this cannot be changed… This time there is nobody with a final trick up his sleeve, this time no magic will work. No matter, how unfair it is, no matter, what they're wishing for.

"What?" Kurogane gasped, voice unusually small, and Tomoyo felt her heart crying out.

"Your friend…" she began, slowly "has performed a kind of magic nobody should have been capable of. Restoring those lost memories to Sakura-chan … he had to trick Hitsuzen, something nobody ever thought possible."

"But it is, huh?" Kurogane replied.

"Yes.", Tomoyo said, "At a terrible price."

"How long?"

"Not even until sunset."

The odd note of finality in her voice left little doubt. Her lips quirked upwards in a sad little smile.

"Even so it is amazing, what he accomplished. I thought the best possible outcome had already been reached and nothing more could be done. Few would have the courage to challenge fate…"

* * *

Yuuko, later that day, when Kurogane finally managed to contact her, said basically the same. 

"Nothing can be done. It's a wonder the spell didn't kill him on the spot, though I suspect the feather had something to with this."

"Perhaps something like the feather could…?"

"But nothing like it exists. Even if it did, I doubt it would work. Tricking Hitsuzen is something, I believe, you can do only once in your life and Fai-san did it on quite a scale. There's a lot of calculations that need to be redone right now, though I won't complain."

Seeing Kurogane was completely taken aback, Yuuko, for once, gave an explanation.

"No matter how unfair it might seem to you, Kurogane-san, on a larger scale it isn't as bad. If fate can be changed, the future isn't set yet. It means nothing is fixed, nothing lost can't be brought back and that there always is hope."

* * *

Thank you for reading ( and reviewing). Hope you enjoyed it. - 

Next (and last) chapter is called: "Smile for me"

P.S: Noted the stolen quote?


	5. Chapter 5

Hidden under a Smile

Disclaimer: a.) Not mine

b.) Mainly about Fai, his past and Kurogane

c.) written post 121, before 122 was released.

d.) No native english speaker

e.) Enjoy! -

V. Smile for me

Kurogane found the mage sitting outside, at the lakeside, where he first collapsed. Though now he had regained consciousness, successfully fought off Tomoyo's physicians and made his way back on his own.

Nothing had changed about the smile, when Fai turned around to greet him.

"Hey there, Kuro-run."

The sheer normality of the scene sent shivers down Kurogane's spine, had his nerves snapping and in a split second he crossed the place and stood towering over the wizard. Slamming his hands down on the bench's backrest, he pinned Fai effectively in place.

Kurogane wanted answers. Wanted them now, that the sun had fully risen. And as he watched golden rays lightening up blooming flowers and flaxen hair, he was painfully reminded of the passing of time.

Each moment is unique, they say; though only now he truly felt what that meant. There wouldn't be another chance, another opportunity. No repetitions anymore – if he failed now, he failed forever.

Hands clenching involuntarily, he leant forward, desperate to glimpse what emotions played in those fathomless blue eyes after all masks had been abandoned.

Though, perhaps, he should have known that there were questions Fai couldn't answer. Perhaps he should have noted that his tumultuous emotions weren't only due to circumstances.

For some answers rested deep within his own heart.

"Did you know what would happen?" Rage coupled with passion set red eyes ablaze, their scorching gaze tearing through all pretences.

Blinking slowly, the smile wavered. "Yes."

"Why the hell did you do it?"

Because after all that had happened, all they had been through Kurogane thought Fai had eventually found a reason for living.

"Why?" he repeated, as if the answer should be obvious "For Sakura-chan and Syaoran-kun, of course. Those two deserve to be happy together, they've had it hard enough until now."

"But they had found the feathers, they would have managed just as well without those memories!" Kurogane protested.

A shadow of a teasing smirk fluttered over Fai's features. "My, Kuro-kun, one could think you cared. But, honestly, did you think it was that easy?"

Kurogane broke of mid-unvoiced-protest, blinking in confusion. He had no idea what the wizard was implying, could only stare at Fai's unusually grave demeanour. The sort of expression that had been reserved for talk of Hitsuzen, Ashura and the Past.

Had he mistakenly assumed all was over?

"You know that Fei Wang Reed was after Sakura's powers, don't you? And he interfered more than once, so, do you honestly think he would give up his life's only goal?"

"But wasn't that… didn't he already fail, when we got the last feather?"

The smirk became darker, slyer. "Oh, then, pray tell, why wasn't there more trouble with the other feathers? Why didn't he just send out his henchmen to collect them before we reached the world in question? No, Kuro-tan, you got that one wrong."

Kurogane kept red eyes fixed on the wizard, waited for him to continue.

"Actually, Fei Wang Reed wanted the feathers to be found in the end. Sakura's powers are amazing even without her feathers, but it's difficult to tell, whether this power might have sufficed."

"So he decided to sit back and wait?"

"More or less. The moment, Sakura would have returned to Clow, he'd have tried to strike again – the hole in her memories would have left her pretty vulnerable."

And it dawned on Kurogane.

"Yes, Kuro-chan, giving her back those memories pretty much sealed her mysterious powers and made her immune to any of Fei Wang's attacks. So, you see, it was quite a logical thing to do: on one hand protecting Sakura-chan's happiness, on the other hand dealing a nice blow to our long-time enemy."

Revenge was a dish best served cold, or so they said, but Fai's strike tasted of ice.

Fai took the stunned silence as an invitation to continue on, mercilessly and without holding back anything anymore.

"You see, it was all more or less fated, Kuro-ku. From our first encounter in the rain, to all the stops we made. Even your parents' death and Celes' demise – all had been nicely laid out before any of us were capable of walking. Until Sakura's last feather was to be found and from then on, it was the gamble of the great. People like Fei Wang Reed, or Yuuko could have tried to change the scene as far as their powers would have allowed them to.

But believe me, Kuro-kon, nobody expected this. Neither Yuuko, nor Fei Wang, nor any of those seers had any idea Sakura-chan might ever regain her earliest memories of Syaoran-kun."

The smile of his face was bitter, filled with atypical cold, malicious amusement and no small amount of pride. The mask had fallen, finally, and given away to the true royal magician of Celes. And this time he lived up to Kurogane's imagination.

Blond hair floating gently in a breeze, blue eyes alive with cold, ruthless sparkles, a superior smile on those lips – the sort of arrogance that came with power and knowledge that surpassed every-one else's.

And those incredibly beautiful blue eyes fixed Kurogane in a knowing stare, as he said.

"I did that. I made the impossible turn into reality, I tricked Hitsuzen."

Silence descended heavily. Singing birds, rustling leaves and the sun's warmth on Kurogane's back, as he kept mulling over Fai's words.

The dreary morning had by now given away to a beautiful day with clear blue sky and full, blossoming cherry trees and flowers. Spring was in the air, the first truly warm skies touching ground; promises of long evenings, warm summer nights and starry skies in the air.

They'd leave for the mountains soon, before the rain would start falling, on their annual procession. Tomoyo-hime, the nobles and her faithful ninjas. Visiting small villages, watching colourful rites performed, drinking fresh mountain water and chatting until the sun started to rise again at the eastern horizon.

They'd return to the castle just before the rain began, and afterwards the almost unbearable heat would follow. Long days spend lazing around, sitting at the lakeside and occasionally taking a dip.

And then autumn, with storms and vibrant leaves and golden light, before snow would cover it all.

Fai would have liked the seasons, Kurogane mused silently, he would have enjoyed the travelling, the mountain tales and lakeside excursions.

Too late, too late.

All too late.

"Those two won't ever know…" he mused and couldn't keep regret from tainting his voice.

Surprise on the magician's face. "Oh, they could, but I'd rather they won't find out. It… I suppose it would be somewhat… contra-productive. You understand that, don't you, Kuro-pi?"

With a growl the ninja nodded, though he still couldn't shake the consternation that had him frozen from the inside.

"Yes, yes. I get that, stupid mage. But… but…"

"But?"

"But what about you?" Kurogane burst out and Fai's eyes widened drastically.

"Me?" he repeated, incredulous "What about me? I … I did the best I could, didn't I?"

In the end, now, that it was too late, Kurogane found the words he had been looking for all along.

"Of course you did, idiot. I'm not talking about responsibilities or obligations, I'm not talking about what you are ought to or what you should do or have done. I'm not interested in fate, hitsuzen or however you want to call it, because that isn't what life's supposed to be about."

The smile had fluttered away as the words had reached their goal.

"For once, you could have decided about what you want to do with your life. Not what you should or must do, but what you want to. That's what I've been talking about all along."

And, since he was already talking as plain as possible, he found a little courage to voice a revelation.

"All I've ever hated about you was how you seemed to live only for somebody else's intents. But that sort of life can't make anyone really happy, since it's just a fake. And all I've ever seen when I've looked at you was such a doll."

Fai held his breath and Kurogane reached out, cupping the delicate face gently, letting his fingers glide softly across smooth, white skin.

"Powerful, intelligent and completely shaped to another's purpose. Not quite real, because something so essentially human was lacking, that spark of self-purpose, of will. I've always expected it to be hidden somewhere underneath all the layers of smiles and I still suppose that you're more than a hollow shell. That's the only explanation why you ran away, isn't it?"

He'd hit home, words cutting deeper than polished steel ever could have. Regret lacing each of them, glittering tears filling sky-blue eyes. All barriers down, emotions laid out open – their game was drawing up to a close.

"I'd hoped, I'd really hoped that you'd find a reason to live for yourself. Not for higher causes, somebody's agendas or another's plans – but for that, what makes even those who loose it all go on. The reason that makes people smile in true happiness, when they find something good in a sea of bad. What makes people enjoy beautiful days for just being alive. Living needs no justification, no greater cause, though…"

Eyes clenched shut, Fai cut in "But I…"

Kurogane nodded bitterly, remembering those horrid words of a childhood in poverty and then the dubious blessing of uncontrollable powers. Followed by a strict education, with nobody to assuage guilt or to quell the fears.

Only a busy King to lean on, and a steady demand to prove his worth.

Oh, it all came together so beautifully clear, so logical and yet completely wrong and horrid.

"I understand." Kurogane said and pale fingers reached out for his shoulders, digging into his skin "And it's still all good in the end. The kids are safe and sound and home, I'm home and my mother's death is sufficiently avenged. I don't even have to see you and the white bun continue a pointless journey and feel guilty or have to wonder if there wasn't anything I could have done…"

Speechless, Fai clung onto him, listening to confession after confession pouring from Kurogane's lips until trembling fingers begged him to stop. Eyes wide in denial, desperation and disbelief, he only had the strength to whisper:

"You wouldn't have… Kuro-pon… honestly… cared?"

Damned be pride, to hell with self-consciousness – time for truth. Kurogane grabbed Fai by the shoulders and shook him.

"Damn you, I do!"

There was such bewilderment on Fai's face that Kurogane felt the need to add.

"I always cared, and I still do. This is why I hoped, hoped for you to find a reason for living."

"I'm so sorry…" Fai whispered and when he gazed up at Kurogane the last damn had burst. Tears freely running down his cheeks, eyes wide and red-rimmed. For the first time ever the magician cried openly in front of him.

For the first time he saw those tears, not their shadows or trails, but he saw them falling. And beneath it all lay a bright, dazzling smile. True happiness mixed with pain, sadness and regret, though they were fading.

"I'm sorry and yet, I'm not." he laughed, sending Kurogane's heart into a frenzy "I think, I finally get it, Kuro-chan, I see what you mean. … I, oh, I knew what you said, logically, I knew it all… but now… I can see what you say… that a moment alone can be worth living for. This, this alone… god, I don't remember if I ever, ever felt like this … makes it all worth it."

Teary eyes sought him out, open and honest.

"What do you say, Kuro-pan, let's take this day and make it worth it all?"

And it couldn't have been more perfect. A wonderful day spend outside, warmed by the sun's rays and clear, happy laughter. Dizzing, dazzling, beautiful smiles and all became a blur.

High above, from a window, Tomoyo and Souma sat, gazing out at the scene, noting ruefully how the sun edged closer to the western horizon, how the light became more and more golden with each passing second.

"Poor Kurogane…" Souma said, "Won't his journey have been for nothing, now?"

A sad smile played over the princess' lips. "Unfair as it is, no, he learned his lesson well. He stronger, far stronger than I expected him to become."

"Indeed. He seems quite beyond that aimless slaughtered now, doesn't he?"

"Yes. Finally he reached the state, where his physical corresponds to his emotional strength."

And then the sun was setting, the sky aflame in colours. Golden in the west, gleaming red and purple overhead. Heart-wrenchingly beautiful, tightening the knot inside Kurogane's chest. It's ache close to unbearable, not long now, until the tears would start flowing.

"Thank you, Kuro-rin, thank you for… for everything, really. … Today… the past… I… I don't know… what I'd have done … without you…"

Not long now.

Each breath Fai drew was a little shallower than the former, and his eyelids kept fluttering. Even the intense lightening couldn't restore colour to his snow-white face – only his eyes seemed to sparkle all the more brightly.

Wrapped tightly into Kurogane's arms, almost too weak to move on his own, Fai found himself mesmerized by red eyes gazing intently down on him.

There were a dozen things to be red in the red gaze, regret, anxiousness and pain, and so many, many emotions too overwhelming for words to express. He wanted to banish them, the fear and the pain: they didn't suit the ninja.

Who shouldn't have ever looked so concerned, so upset. Not once, not since they'd met at the witch's place the ninja had shown emotions other than outrage and seriousness. The smug grin in a battle here, a hearty laugh there – but never this. A gruff sort of affection for the children, grudging respect for the mage…

Long-gone those times.

Felt like an eternity that the world had been "alright". Felt like an eternity that their dysfunctional family had gathered around some table in one world or another, spoken of feathers, enemies, friends and their missions. Or simply exchanged opinions on the local food, weather, clothes, occasionally comparing them to their original world's equivalents.

Looking back, those had been good, simple times.

To him, at least.

"Please…" a soft voice gasped, drawing him out of his contemplations.

Time had come and all Kurogane could do was drink in those last seconds, committing those sparkling blue eyes to memory, trying to freeze the emotions soaring high when beholding the dazzling, beautiful smile. Feeling smooth, cool skin underneath his hands, silky, fair hair brushing his arms…

In the end, this broken doll had found its way. After all the obstacles, when all had seemed lost and too late, they'd managed to find the last, missing piece and for one day, Fai had been himself. The one without the mask, without any smoke screens.

One day, worth it all.

"…Smile for me, Kurogane…"

Thank you for reading ( and reviewing). Hope you enjoyed it. -


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